It's been a really long time since I've written anything in here. I basically just lurk tumblr constantly and rant as necessary. I've been down and out for lord knows how long. Every day just feels like it's getting a little worse, like that underlying feeling of doom, woe and instability is finding it's way back outward every minute of every day. I feel out of control, weak and scared constantly, my anxiety is almost always a constant problem now and I hardly want to roll out of bed. I feel much like I'm failing myself and everyone around me but I can't really put a stop to that. I've also been completely, stupidly irritable. I've been judgemental and easily ticked off or even easily broken down. Every other hour I feel like I'm on the verge of tears or the brink of another break down or about to rip someone's head off. I want to be better. I want to be the vibrant thing I used to be. I want to fucking me okay. But everytime I find something that makes me happy, cheers me up, I feel like that's just too silly or not reasonable or not enough, or it will begin to deteriorate as I internally break it down until even that hurts. Until there's nothing left.

I've been writing a lot though, as a distraction. (Not close to being anything good but at least I'm doing something.) And also listening to a lot of cobra and midtown, as per usual. They do make me smile, even if right now even that hurts.

As a sort of less emotional update: I had a job interview that flopped. It was awful and the woman was very pretentious. I can start applying for college in October for the May term. I get my car soon-ish (cavalier). I've driven on the road a few times. I hate television. Oh, and I've been all about making wishes and laying in my yard to watch the stars.

I want something to go right.

Edit:

I just remembered! I've also been having the strangest dreams. For a week straight I had nightmares every night that I can't really clearly remember (but don't really want to). The next week I woke up almost everyday with tears in my eyes. One of those dreams did include Gabe, who apparently sat down an decided to talk out what's been up with me lately. It was extremely real and he was too nice, really. Last night there was something similar but with Travis McCoy and I was trying to set up some kind of game for my brother and all his friends. It's been nonsensical, honest. I've been having spouts of not sleeping for almost days on end, and as of the past few days sleeping constantly - all day everyday.

So, this is totally going to be half-assed and probably has a million things missing but...that's what I get for waiting so long.

April 29th, 2009 - The day of THE SCENE.

Holy shit! Done. Getting ready to lurk on On Air with Ryan Seacrest for Cobra's new song in like...an hour :] Today WILL be good, I will make sure of that somehow, okay?

We're going to play catch up. Just a warning.
 

Overall, AMAZING day. And now I haven't the energy to begin my concert recap because that was long enough and I totally left shit out. I'll do that next. After I attempt writing drabble today. Wish me luck?

So I brought myself down tonight, I just sort of lurked about on the internet out of sheer boredom and somehow I'm reduced to feeling precisely how I did when I was ten years old. Let's not regress so much. I should be able to be pleased with things right now, right? I shouldn't think and rethink so much. Everything. I want to give it a fucking rest.

I want out. I want to sing and dance. I want to go to a movie or just sit and talk for hours on end. But then I want to read, I want to write. I always want something and it never feels like enough. What's up with me lately? Self degrading, self concious and just plain frustrating (to myself and everyone else).

Let's try something new.

This will be less shitty when I find the energy to be somewhat expressive and less vague. Maybe this'll bring on a new muse of sorts. Let's hope this change is for the better.

So here's what I've been working on for quite some time. Any errors/typos/whatever are because I definitely have not read through this monster yet :[ Also, it all began because of (see: can be blamed on) this here song, which you can listen to here, I spose.

Edit: Oh and hey, I'm only 2 and a half-ish hours over goal-time? :] Sweeet. That may be a good thing, anyway. Let bandom enjoy Brendon's birthday without this monstrocity to disturb that. Now. Angst time!

Disclaimer: This made me cry a little (just the planning, perhaps not the fic itself?). It's Gabe/Brendon (me and this pairing, man) and I guess a teeny bit Jon/Brendon too. Also, all that other nonsense you usually put here.

Short and stupid update.

Sissy went back because of some illness she has that I couldn't pronounce, nevermind spell. So who knows if and when she'll be back.

I'm still home though [to my somewhat surprise], because Ray is stepping up and he's even staying at Mom's.

Cindy stole me for like 2 days. We had funtimes.

I want my fucking hard drive algjalgajalkjg NO MORE OF THIS BULLSHIT.

General angst and flailage these passed few days. Fail.

Greg and Cindy later! That is all.

And I am having nostalgia. That is all.

P.S. I woke up with nice thoughts this morning. It was wonderful.

My dream last night was absurd. Cindy, Greg, and I went to this free Styles Of Beyond show, which was apparently quite some distance away. There were two small stages directly across from one another and about two other people there. We sort of whined about how stupid people were but then we went and found some seats. We were joking around and laughing to the point of falling out of the seats when out of no where at least two members of Panic showed up? I mean what the fuck is that? There may of been more but I can't remember.

I can remember how I woke up. Today has been good so far, despite the fact that I went to sleep at like 2, and woke up at 6:58. I was expecting Kodi to be like me [at his age] and sleep in on the weekend just a little bit. Instead, he woke up earlier than usual. I was sleeping on the couch downstairs and he just laid down next to me and said "Dissy?" It was cute, and he's been calm and very well behaved today.

I ate some vegetarian lasagna for breakfast simply because I was starved and read a note that mom left me on top of the laptop. I got a little disgruntled when I was discussing my hard drive with Mom but then pushed it out of my mind and prayed that it would work when I get home.

Ray came and put up a small bed in Kodi's playroom. That'll be nice since he can pass out there some nights when he's being difficult, or else I can sleep there. Plus, Sissy is coming tomorrow and we now officially have 4 beds [one slides out from beneath the one in Kodi's room]. Now he's got Kodi and is taking him to get a haircut.

Get this, he even talked to Mom as directed and...there wasn't an argument? Woah.

Cobra is still on blast at my house at all opprotune moments. We're going to see them. Wut? Now that is a pleasing thought.

Me and electronics are not friends.

First my harddrive, then this piece of shit computer...and now my harddrive isn't coming up? I don't see how it could've gotten fucked up considering the only thing strange that happned was that mom used the computer and like 5 minutes later it started making a strange buzzing noise. I swear to god if it somehow got magnetized, I'm going to kill a bitch.

I went to device manager and it knows it's there, and it says it's working properly but still no sign of life in my computer. I'm going to have to check it out when I get home and if all else fails I may have to try to do data recovery. Though, that probably costs money and may not even work so...Lord knows.

Karma is trying to kill me. Something good happens then lots of bad things happen. Kodi threw up this morning and I cleaned that up in the midst of trying to figure out what the fuck was wrong with this thing. I'm hoping it's just my shitty laptop, but it's doubtful.

I'm going to go focus on something less upsetting. I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Today has basically been full of me doing chores, watching Kodi, and sitting here trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. All day. And I still haven't got it. Things are changing, and I'm not even sure if it's for the better or not. I fear that things are going to fall into a similar pattern as after my parents split up and...God, I could not do that again, things are hard enough as is.

For the passed 3 or 4 hours I've been fighting with a panic attack. Kodi is asleep and my eyes are blurred but I'm just now eating for the first time today since my stomach has been in knots. Mom's still out right now and when I called she said she felt bad and asked if I wanted her home and I told her no repeatedly and she told me how she hasn't done this years and 'now she sees why I like doing this at Cindy's' or something to that extent. Funny thing is I just called to make sure she wasn't getting totally trashed. Because I know she wasn't going to tell me she'd been drinking, but she got caught out on that one. I don't want her to go back to that [see above paragraph, really].

I'll probably be in a similar mood tomorrow, and the day following. Oh actually, Thursday I have a babysitter. Technically she'll "treat me like an adult" but still. She'll be here so Kodi can "get used to her" and I don't know what to make of that either. She's nice but...kind of overly nice. I dee kay.

So hopefully I'll go home eventually. The woman who will be watching Kodi is busy this weekend so I guess I'm fucked this week. I don't know yet. We may also be losing cable, phone and internet. Not sure when we'll be able to pay it, we're really fuckin' in the hole. And fuck, there's like no food in the house. Things need to start getting better.

I hurt everywhere and feel kind of like crying. And this food in front of me is looking less and less appetizing but I won't let myself go to sleep without eating. I keep thinking I'll like die or something. Or maybe my weight will just drop like crazy again and then I'll have to start drinking boost all the time again. I need to eat, panic [hah] attacks or not.

On a lighter note, I'm still on some kind of Cobra Starship kick. I also listened to TAI and Pretty. Odd. earlier. Well, atleast their upbeat. OH and CCMT ... the day after tommorrow! [...I don't remember why Mom wasn't at work today :\ Damn my mind is shot.]

So what the fuck, weather? You can stop anytime now.

You know how fullfilling it will be when I move a far distance away and don't have to shovel every three hours? Not that I'm not excited to be home in willitown, just frustrated is all. With the snow and my Dad's attitude now and again. I dee kay.

Until I get a better plan, I will be dancing about/pacing to music on my surround sound. Better plan soon, kay? That'd be nice. Also, productivity. That'd be nice too.

I guess I get that people don't know how to handle mom like I do, they don't understand her like I do [and I don't mean in the "I consoled her through rough times" kind of way more of the "I totally know how to evade this/stop this from getting any worse" kind of way] but there's another thing Ray clearly doesn't understand. The fact that I need stability, clarity, a straight answer and plan. I need to know now, right now, whether I am leaving or not. I don't want a "That depends on your mother" or a "I don't know." I want an answer and I want it now. I haven't slept, I'm fidgety and just a bit homesick right now, and I'd like answers. I do not want what I caught of the shortest arguement ever to occur to keep me from what I want. I think I deserve this even if I feel pretty fucking worthless right now. I still deserve to go home. My irresponsibility is almost reasonable really. I feel shitty for sleeping too much and even worse for snapping at Kodi every now and again, but you know...I do do a lot, whether you believe it or not. This week has been off, all the more reason for me to go home and lighten my spirits. I don't want this to happen again. Not a-fucking-gain. Please, quit while your ahead.

On a good note: Kodi was wonderful this morning. And! I'm still awake! I can do this. I swear I can. SCHEDULE FLIPPING TIME!

That is my rant for today. I'm going to go finish reading awesome AU high school story and hopefully get a smile or two in today. I'll be angsting about, feel free to spam me with fun comments/stories/pictures/music/...words?/WHATEV. <3

So a good portion of my morning has been spent doing as follows.

I read some good stuff on and off, but that's irrelevant and I'm moving onward. It feels as if most of my night was spent going up and down the stairs because my dearest little brother peed the bed at around 4 or 5 or I don't know, something, and may of just finally passed back out right now. So I'm hoping. Whilst venturing up and down the stairs I made note of the fact that I would be totally shit at stealth/sneaking because I can't seem to get down how to not make the most annoying creaking noises when going up and down the stairs. Everything is so loud and echoing and what the hell, man, I'm glad I don't sneak out a lot like cliche teenage behavior dictates. Along side that, every time I hear movement upstairs I tend to glare at the wall as if I can see through it with my super-big-sister-x-ray-vision and scold him with my intense glare.I'm not feeling like a super big sister lately though. It's like if I'm not watching him 24-7 and/or doing everything I feel worthless and totally unable and just...like shit.

I've been plenty inspired to write or get something accomplished but lack any kind of will or enthusiasm I guess. Mostly I've had plots and ideas and day dreams playing out in my mind with excruciating detail, dying for me to do something. I really want to go home but I think the definition is sort of blurring at this point, for "home" that is. I just can't understand. One minute I'm putting things off until I get "home" referring to, well, my hometown, the place I always long to be [though I feel awful leaving here, and just...Kodi], then a moment later I'm doing the same for this place. It's like heart versus mind, and responsibility versus emotion and...Lord knows. Nostalgia has come back to smack me in the face too, though mostly in a nice, ginger, love tap kind of way. Like "Hey, remember me, I'm your happy memories!" But of course the fact that my ex, the one that was a part of my first real and fucking full fledged heart breaking relationship, just turned 21 four days ago stirred about a few of the bad ones.

Also, forgive me if I'm wrong...but I think I should understand myself and my thoughts and feelings more thoroughly than I do. And why the fuck can't I express myself and have a straight up, serious, "here's my heart, my soul, my mind. let's pick through it here and now."  conversation with anyone when it feels so fucking good when I do let that little bit loose. I kind of know it's got something to do with my insecurities which is no big surprise in anyway. My always feeling shitty when I talk about myself or what's wrong or whatever it may be, doesn't help. What also doesn't help? My lack of social skills, and will to gain them. And why is my mind running in circles like it's trying to catch up to itself ?[the idea of my mind being similar to a dog trying to snag it's own tail is amusing. Maybe I'll have some fucking break through the next time a dog nips the end of it's tail near me, just not with blood next time kthx.]

I don't know, but I'm going to go continue to chill out to Panic, and maybe? try to sleep. I don't think it's a good idea since it never leads to good things but I'll try my best. Maybe one of these days I'll have normal hours or something and feel less shitty and lost and...waiting for something awful to happen or for someone to flip shit. Nonetheless, I am done since my fragile mind will implode if I keep trying to think about anything specific, it's already tugging in millions of different directions. I'll lurk about here later or soon or...whatever.

P.S. Sorry for all the crazy typos, I can't see well since my eyes are blurring [it's nearly 8 in the morning] and my mind can hardly keep up enough to get through this never mind fix my errors.

Dear myface,

Please promptly gtfo. You are not my bff.

ever hating you,

Me.

-

Dear eyes,

I'd like to be able to see today. Please cut the shit.

sincerely,

the rest of you.
-
Dear self-esteem,

SUCK IT.

that is all.
 

-

Edit: 

Dear LJ,

I was going to be productive and fix you but my poor mind is fragile and could not handle it. Maybe later? LAWL, SURE.

noloveatall,

Me.

The answer to that, Third Eye Blind, is yes because guess who just got their diploma in the mail?

The next thing  I plan to do is call the transition lady, which I tried since she's supposed to be in on Tuesdays in Willimanitc but I have to call back next week. College for me? Let's see what we can do for next year.

Otherwise, someone please please distract me. kthxbai.